Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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