Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
