She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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