god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
