She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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