I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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