i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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