all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
being pregnant is like rehab
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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