the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Never joke about your clitoris.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize