As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
