My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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