I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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