I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
