I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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