M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
