her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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