I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
