is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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