is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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