I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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