the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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