Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
