I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
