end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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