mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
