I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
they're like a gay fantastic four
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
