I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
