chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
