I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
