You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
