I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
