Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
