we made out on top of his cat.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
