I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
