how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
