I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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