I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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