please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
