Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize