What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
