So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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