i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
