Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the day after is always just damage control
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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