last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize