sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize