you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
