Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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