when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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