my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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