If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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