i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
