i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
