You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
