What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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