I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
