And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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