im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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