someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
