When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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